| Ditch-Side Faust |
[15 May 2008|04:23am] |
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Anata ga Ita Mori - Jukai |
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I tried sleeping early last night since I'm going to go out for parkour today. For the most part it didn't work out so well. I had a pretty bad nightmare... I couldn't go back to sleep after that and now I'm left here wondering how today's practice is going to pan out with all this lack of sleep. This doesn't happen too often for me, I tend to shrug off fear very easily but I guess the problem with this issue would be the fact that it has more to do with a matter of sorrow than anything. It probably doesn't help that I'm quitting smoking and for the past while, has gone without cigarettes far longer than I've even attempted to do so for the past two years. I've even been cutting back on the hard liquor... I'm pretty cranky lately because of that for everyone's information. All this combined probably caused that outburst last week when I threatened to beat up an old geezer after trying and finishing the Grouse Grind for the first time (YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME OLD MAN? ... THAT'S WHAT I THOUGH!) Anyway... Yes. I did the Grouse Grind with Anthony and Bertie last Friday. It was a god damn RAD experience. I was pretty apprehensive about the idea at first; afterall the Grind was something that upstanding, college students with 'healthy' lifestyles do and of those prestigious categories, I fit into none of them. However the awkwardness of it all was soon forgotten about when we got there and mistook the Timber Wolf Trail (complete with "Do not feed the wolves" sign) for the actual trail. We decided that we probably didn't want to run up the trail with wolves chasing after us... We eventually found out that the Grind was closed due to avalanche danger. But we said fuck that (we literally fingered the warning signs), jumped the fence and went up the trail anyways. Then about 3/4th of the way up, we realize there was actually a legitimate reason why they close the place down. The snow was stacked taller than we are and as we would find out the hard way, in a lot of places, completely hollow. We kept on trekking, figuring that it was probably no safer to turn back so we might as well see the experience through. We made it all the way up to the top in an hour and forty minutes, which is damn good considering the fact that we're all smokers and with the chances of being buried alive by avalanches and what not... Not to mention that it's our first time doing the damn thing. To celebrate we bought beers in the lodge and drank it in public. We weren't supposed to but who's going to stop our public drunkenness? The cops surely aren't going to spend a whole hour to get to the top of Grouse mountain just because there's three drunk guys harassing the grizzly bears in their habitat. In summery: we climbed a mountain, broke a bunch of rules and laws, not to mention pissed off a bunch of tourist. I'm glad we were being such compete doochebags or that whole trip would have seriously weirded me out. Good wholesome family fun is just not my thing. We left the mountain, drank a whole keg of Heneken between the three of us plus Kai and I kicked everyone's asses at KOF Neowave. All in all it was a fun day. Good times was had by all (except for the tourist and that old guy I threatened to beat up).
Have you ever lost anything so important to you that you would honestly sell your soul to get it back?
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| Shortest Entry Ever but Necessary |
[14 Feb 2008|05:09pm] |
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Victims - Mintjam |
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Ok everyone who contacts me over the phone or wishes to do so in the future... I have LOST my cellphone at the Sonata Arctica concert last night. I think I dropped it in the mosh pit. There's a low probability of me getting it back. So that means I've lost everyone's contact numbers. Email me your phone numbers please so I could add them on to my new phone!
This is also my shortest entry ever because I really didn't feel like posting anything but it's kinda necessary in this case.
"I'd tell you that you're stating the obvious, but that would be stating the obvious and I'd be damned if stoop to your level."
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| The Returner |
[08 Jan 2008|07:48am] |
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The Home Coming Queen - Hinder |
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People tell me that I should get my piorities straight, but they never stop to consider the fact that I can't even spell the word properly let alone begin to sort them out. So here I am, looking intently at that bottle of Crown Royal across from the slab of wood that is my desk, yet too much of a pussy to just reach over and behead its cap from the fine, beautifully constructed lines of the virgin bottle. Years ago, I would hold long therapy meetings with Mr. Marley and Dr. Daniels, the group sessions extending well into the early mornings until I'm fully plastered and left to carry on conversations with pilfered urinal soaps. Now, I haven't prayed to the porcelain god for three whole years. If they taught dating in college, there wouldn't be so many drop outs. Nobody tells you the proposal voice, the right way to ask if they wanna come in after the date, the way to hold their hand without looking like a priss. My dating skills are shit, but I used to be able to pick up a drunk like nobody's business. Like cooking, this has become one of those things that I could never understand. I end up standing in front of the stove dumbly staring at all its exposed dials. There were numbers and features highlighted by the knobs but none of them mean anything to me so at the end of it all, it always becomes one big guessing game. What the fuck? I don't have many ambitions in life. I never wanted to be a doctor, artist or hell even an astronaut when I was younger. When my mother asked my younger self my dreams for the future, it was the hardest question in my life. I don't think I ever answered it. Career day in kindergarten didn't roll over so well either especially since I told my teacher that I wanted to be a machine-gun-trotting vigilante (read: Rambo); then when informed that it wasn't a viable job description, replied that I wanted to be a truck driver because that's what Optimus Prime transforms into. Funny story. The teacher gave up asking after that. I could count the number of years that I've had realistic motivation in my life with one finger. That was year 2005. I've spent the last two years since then gliding through my days and doing the bare minimum. Aside from that one single year, I never really saw a point in rocking that boat. As such, I never understood the obsession with living longer but I suppose when you spend a good part of your teenage years leaping off snowy cliffs with nothing to break your fall but a glorified piece of drift wood, living past your prime seems more surreal than Pulp Fiction. What's the big deal anyways? Old age is overrated. I've been advised not to get my three tattoos since they would look stupid when I get old. My retort tends to be the fact that old people look ridiculous anyways and when grandpa drives a Harley and talks like a sailor, the kids sure as hell aren't going to question the rose-bud on his shin that's starting to look like a cabbage. Not that I'm going to allow a stupid flower to be inked on me even if it killed me but it proves my point and I've yet to meet someone who could one up that logic. You lose a lot of things when you get old and I'm not just talking about your hair or your sex drive, but just those alone make it seem like a good idea to never go over that hill. Five centimeters per second. That's supposedly how slow Sakura peddles fall. I've also read somewhere that it's a metaphor for how people slowly drift apart from each other. Or so I've heard... I think it was mentioned by someone a lot smarter than me so I chose to believe it since I neither have the social psychology background nor a physic research degree under my belt to even begin to look into it. I ain't complainin'. Besides, I think it sorta makes sense, plus it makes me sound intellectual when I say shit like that. I just wish there were some guidelines for what I'm up against right now because having alot of resolve doesn't seem to make a lick of difference.
"Remember how as children, we were all waiting to get our driver's licenses? Then we'd peel out our cars and zoom around the block and be fucking rad everyday. We all old enough to drive now, but when was the last time you peeled out your car?"
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| It doesn't mean anything. |
[16 Mar 2006|11:09am] |
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Dying In Your Arms - Trivium |
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In one of the seedier hellholes in town, a mist flowed over its interiors, the welcoming mix of smoke, alcohol, and drugs that signified you were home. There was pain here, masked by make up and wrapped in leather, there were troubles here, sitting in the ash trays and swirling in the bottom of glasses. Trying to look interesting but not interested like so many others here, male or female came here for a reason.
These are ugly people inside... He knows this because he's one of them.
Finishing the last shot of his liquid poison in a mindless haze, the boy ran his long fingers through his raven locks. His motion was casual but controlled... His still graceful movement announced that he certainly wasn't drunk yet. Despite being neither too sober, or not sober enough, he could felt the atmosphere of the place crushing him. He just can't stand being here tonight... Maybe because of the fact it's going to be his last night here in the 'real world' for a while.
Living two seperate lives is hard, but it's better than not living enough.
Allowing his desires to reign over his actions, he stood up to his full statue, his posture alone towering over the more conservative heights and patrons of this 'fine' establishment. 'Usual haunts' be damned... He was prepared to leave. Running his vision over the masses, he searched for a particular piece he might had missed before. Alas there was nothing to complete puzzle in these parts, the final variable of his night was else where. He already knows exactly where to find her...
Maybe he should phone ahead... Fuck it... It's not like he has an expensive cellphone or even enough quaters in the right currency to foot the long distance changes on a pay phone.
The slimly built young man proceeded to cleave a straight line through the sea of living zombies, bulldozing his way towards the gate from this underworld. Almost instantly he sensed a pair of eyes on him and soughed out the source. Sweeping his dark orbs to his right, he found them in an instant... The woman that stood before him appealed to his tastes... A leggy brunette always got his attention, though he never knew why that is.
Just because you've decided to eat at home doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. He stuck around for a few more seconds, since something fun might happen soon. Her interest like his own was sparked quickly... Prehaps a bit too quickly... There's always suspision in easy feats. They always came with a catch. The real question is: what and where's the price tag that came with this one? He is only a teenager but he is no fool with the opposite sex, he knows where to look to find his answer.
Years of experience in both success and failure had taught him never to trust a woman's words, not her face for emotions, eyes would tell you so much more. There was a difference between a girl's eyes, a slut's eyes, and a woman's eyes. Girls would look with love, sluts with lust, and women with cool and calculated hatred... She is definitely not the first two. Prehaps it's one of those boards who have a fetish for seeing their boyfriend get into a fight.
His theory became reality as sharp senses honed by years of roaming places similar to this one detected a disturbance making itself known from his blindside. His soon to be attacker was smart enough to sneak up on him but the execution in stealth was flawed by the sound of strangers being shoved aside from the approach. A charge of crackling energies shot down his left arm as he spung around to meet this unknown threat. In a flash his elbow met fist in a head on collision with solid and in fact, bone-breaking impact.
A Transfiguration Spell.
The dark-haired youth smirked up at his larger enemy. He didn't care how large the other man was, no ordinary human, no matter how muscular could withstand taking their limbs to the solid steel he had transformed his own arm into. His educated guess was confirmed as the laser show from the dance-floor flashed their direction, displaying the scarlet mess of blood on the sleeve of his prized leather jacket that the offending stranger had left with a shattered hand.
He'll have to make a mental note to clean that off soon... Blood stains are almost as bad as tomato paste to get on clothes.
It is at moments like these when he is glad that he is not like the others here. Ignorant and blissfully unaware of the secret society that co-existed with their own. Before he had learned to use his so called 'talent', an opponent like this would have spelled trouble for someone of his narrow frame. He would have had to resort to rather nasty and underhanded tactics to get himself out of harm's way and even that might not have saved him. He pulled away, brushing off what he could manage of the spilled blood while the badass responded similarly, except the man jerking away in pain.
However, enough was enough. He'll allow the thug to save face in front of the vile woman... Men often do the stupidest thing just to get a chick in bed, he could sympathize because he could be like that too. Turning his back upon the 'gangster' whom is secretly retreating and nursing lost dignity, he finally made his exit. Let's just hope there isn't going to be a second fool willing to test his paitence tonight... True, he made it a point to do one good deed per day. Just one and only one. He isn't about to work overtime here.
Managing a safe passage outside of the blow-ground bar, he started up the stairs to the streets above... But the busy sidewalk of this large, forgien city would not his destination. If he traveled the conventional way, it would take him a 6 hour trip from the nearest airport to get there. He'll have to go about his trek in a far less tradditional manner. Reaching out to his side, his slender arm grasped at an object non-existant as he felt dimensional space warp around his gracefully long apendages.
Accio Maxima.
With that almost silent invocation and a snap from his thumb and index fingers, the incantation was complete. As soon as the metallic chime from the gaunlets of black alloy armored which concealed his hands resonated to an audiable level, the very frabric of reality uncoiled itself, reformating then materialising in the form of a golden staff 6 feet in length and bladed. He wasn't worried about using his powers here, as most vitnesses were either drunk or stoned and even those who weren't would be written off as such anyways. Besides...
Disapparate.
He wasn't planning on sticking around long enough for anyone to verify his existance anyways.
Apparate.
In a glint of steel and a motion blurred, he was there. Half way around the world in quicker than a blink of an eye... Magcial things are useful like that, it's one of the few reasons why he even bothers putting up with the overcomplicated academics that goes along with it. Glancing around and taking in his new and very much changed surroundings, he was surprise that he wasn't far off the mark... This would be a first, he ususally lands at least a few rooftops away on long trips like these.
Oh well. He wasn't one to question good fortune. Seeing as he was on the desired balcony and one set of french doors away from home run... He didn't hesitate either. By inviting himself in, he realized that his presence was already known. She probably smelled the stench of liquor and nacotics on him as he made his entrance. The girl always had a sensitive nose to that kind of thing. Though something he never understood was a question of why. She hated substances abuse yet she tollerates him...
What a contradiction.
"Ran..." her voice uttered his name once pushed from a face veiled by synchronized shadow as he lessened their distance and continued to sound even as he drew closer "I thought yo-" He wasn't sure what she was about to say and doubts he'll ever find out as he silenced her with a kiss. Even before the fact, Ran already knows that she wished that he hadn't had cigarettes for dinner. She hated the taste. Still, beneath it there was a taste that was just him and she melted into it despite the bitterness of the pleasure.
It was the way he liked it, hard and fast; she kissed him back, softly. All the romance movie shit where everything started slow and ended up being fast, hard, and more passionate became the other way around. Her kiss was innocent, unsure. "You act as though I'm your wife, waltzing in here as if you own me." She formed a slight frown, held back by a hint of that infections smile of hers which he can tell that she's desperately trying to disguise.
Even when feeling the corner of his of his own defined lips twitch up in a grin, Ran didn't - couldn't - meet her gaze, for then he'd see a person apart from the female features he'd noted so. This practical and so natural eye contact morphed her into something ethereal in blood and flesh, and he couldn't ever handle those sorts of commitments. Ran'd only truely experienced, drunks, vagrants and machines in his newborn lifetime. She couldn't become real, nothing was...
"I haven't owned a damn thing in my life... But you know what babe? For tonight, I think we could just pretend."
They have till morning. This wasn't new to them so they made good use of their time. The dance was raw, animalistic but intimate... Though in the end that was all it was: bodily contact and physical release. She is too young to know what love is really. At 17 years of age, the former of the mentioned is all she could manage. Not soul bonding, not love making. Simple, straight up and dirty mating instincts with a side of mutual lust was all that remained. Life isn't always nice, lust isn't always love.
They never spoke of love because they both seem to understood that he would just have to leave again. Still, if Ran were to think that he loved anyone... No, that was a dangerous thought. He is going back to his 'other life' tomorrow morning. He couldn't think about love and still leave. Even though this night is to be forgotten to the next time they met, if that even happens... When he's off in 'twightlight land' dealing with shit involving mages, dragons, demons, and something or another of the sort...
He'll miss her when he leaves.
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| Future |
[09 Jul 2005|02:11am] |
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Soul On Fire - HIM |
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Prehaps I know what the signifigance of the past is now. I've always been obsessed with the future. The future possbilities. The future plans. I didn't understand the pivot point of what is. I didn't understand myself. The point in which I should truely be working towards. I need to learn from the past, the previous mistakes, the wrongs of before in order to learn what I need to do in this situation. As perfect as it seems it's not. I need to put every single peice of effort into it in order to create the preceeding times for myself.
I will work towards it because I want a future with that particular entity. I will not fail. I will do everything in my power to make it happen. I need to know myself in order to become the person whom would succeed. I should not be the one to constantly cater, I should be catered to. I need to perfect myself, the person that is, me. I need to make myself flawless for the one that would be and no one else. A mentor made me realize that tonight and I will make sure I follow that advice. I will make sure this work because a powerful force is at work here. I know she is the right one for me, but I just need to manipulate the timing to our benifit.
I will not fail. Not against myself. Not against the underlining fact, not against the wicked witch of the west. I will succeed. I am unlimited. I am infinite and I will preval because of the powers invested in myself. No odds or probability will stand in my way because I know what I need to do now. Change... Improvement. Evolution. It's all within my power. I just need to become the UM. Prehaps this is destiny. This is why I began the project UM. It is because I am destined for greatness. Destined for a future with a person I wish to be with.
A siren. A Badger to tell me the time. I know I should be heading back to reality now. I must return to what is real in order to work at what I'm becoming here. The Moon Princess will wait for me if I willing to become the Prince she is waiting for. I will not become the one to seek. I will not fail her and I will not fail myself. In the end, it is myself that I must satisfy. An instinct curbed is one that is repressed. We will not be the loser of this for tips to becoming a winner is already within my grasp. A thanks to the words of a past that has mananged to sudate me.
I shall post on this soon. Ultimate power is within my grasp here. I must not forsake it. I know I could be the UM... I know I am the one. The only thing left is to fullfill my destiny. A path left for only me and another to walk down... A 4 wheeler. A port to pass. An axe to buy. A back to fix and a budget to balance. I have much to work ahead before me since the school of education for this field isn't exactly of my wanting but I will prevail against the odds. The master of miracles I am and to my mistress I will speak tomorrow.
To the future is what I am working for my queen. I, as your king will succeed. I promise... The proof I give to you... As in OZ, the Tin Man is without.
[edit]
This entry makes no fucking sense. That teaches me to type when I'm completely ass drunk. I was at Thomas' party last night. He's really good at mixing shit. Bartending class was not wasted on him that's for sure. We need to do this more. I need alcohol again... I think I'm becoming an alcoholic once more but it's kinda enjoyable. Tonight I'm going to go out with Nat and the others again. Should prove to be fun. I got a prep-talk last night. It makes me think that I need to re-think my entire direction with the whole relations thing. It's not like I exactly know where I'm going anymore but I'm thinking I'm doing too much. I can't be the one to keep in touch all the time... There probably will be no conversation again tonight and I'm going to make myself not care... My cellphone is on me and if I'm wanted, but obviously by the fact that there is no contact that I'm not wanted. Two days is nothing.
"Haven't you studied science? This is called... Evolution!"
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| Discouraged |
[24 Jun 2005|05:55pm] |
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Bokutachi no Yukue - Hitomi Takahashi |
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So I guess it's been 5 days. It didn't pass very well and it didn't end especially fulfilling either... I'm largely disappointed at how it concluded but I'll get over it. It'd be stupid to make a big deal out of such a small thing. I guess at the same time I'm more than slightly discouraged at my current predicament. The next two years don't look like they're going to pass very easily at all and I don't know how much of it I could stand... Seeing as the restrictions are starting to drive me nuts already.
I'm not saying I'm going to give up on this or anything but the sheer amount of circumstances going against us right now has just got me down. I mean I'm pretty sure neither of us is willing to just drop this and forget about it... what's waiting at the end is worth all this trouble to fighting for. However it doesn't mean that I have to like what we're going through here seeing as a lot of the crap that's standing in the way is pure and utter bullshit.
It's hard to get motivation to deal with everything right now. I guess I'm asking for too much but for reason I can't explain, there are certain small things that just really bug me. Like parting without farewell, relation without expression, initiation without reciprocation... In the end I guess it's not like any of these things could be controlled or changed by my person. Progression will only happen if the other party feels that it's necessary and any urging on my part will only wreck everything.
So I need to choose to stop sounding so emo and forget about it... This afternoon was a complete waste. I think even though I'm not in the mood to, I need to get out tomorrow... I did promise to go to a get-together anyways so I guess I'm also obligated. I need to take my mind off this whole thing or I'm just going to go insane. Though the whole 'getting matters off my head' thing isn't as easily done as said seeing as the thoughts of the subject always seem to be consuming my train of ideas.
...I really need a break from my so called life. A coma sounds like a good vacation right about now... Now all I need is a really bad plan......
Actually sleep sounds like a more simple and less disastrous idea so I think I'll go for that after the entry. I guess my point is the fact that it's a long road ahead and I'm just reminding myself the sort of crap I'll have to put up with if I want to pursuit this Feathered path... If I have any doubts at all now about what I want, now is probably the best time to drop out of the situation instead of sticking around.
But you know... After thinking it over......
I'm still know that I want to go through with this. Despite what I'd have to put up with for the next two years from the insane 'Wicked Witch of the West' who stands guard like a dragon over the maiden princess, I know that what awaits me in the ending is well worth my greatest efforts... As usual, I'm not going to hold back. I'll give it my all even though it's going to be hard resisting the urge to just pour water over the Witch so I won't have to deal with her prodding at me through indirect means the entire way.
"Ai da?" Yeah, I'm absolutely sure that it is. I mean I'm not one to take shit from anyone; so if I'm willing to do it for the sake of someone, I guess it would be a vast understatement to just say that whatever would compel me to submit myself to this fucked up scenario is more than merely important to me. That probably says something about how much they'd mean to me... I want to do this despite how much the process is probably going to suck... So whatever it takes, I'll dive right in. I'm reckless like that.
I guess I have a lot of work in front of me... It'd help if someone kept fueling my motivation. Hopefully this part of the encryption isn't too hard to decode... *grins* So yes, it's all because I do want to go to the ice rink with you again... Always.
"If you got 10 Twinkie Tickets, you got a Pumpkin Ticket. If you got 3 Pumkin Tickets you got I think it was an Apple ticket. If you got 2 Apple Tickets, he would stab you with his pencil."
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| No Limits |
[31 May 2005|10:26am] |
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Over the Limits - Angela |
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Short entry... Have little to no time to post, but seeing as today is the last day of the month, I have a rule about posting here... So here it is. My report for May, 05. Once again this report is a short one because the complexity of my life is once again at a high, but it's interesting so I'm enjoying the passage.
Three mere weeks and I manage to get back on my feet. My legs are now at 70%. I could even run with a slight limp and jump, abit not so well seeing as my left leg still feels like it weights a ton. My lower body strength could be better but giving that I managed to heal 2 times faster than even my own expectations, I have no right to complain about anything.
Most medical personells are quite surprised as the sheer speed at which I managed to recover from not just one, but two such sever injuries and surgeries. Seeing as I healed twice as fast as my own expectations, which in normal people term means that I head 6 times faster than the normal person, I guess it IS kinda amazing. I'm being told all the time that I'm some kind of real-life Wolverine... Heh. Mutants ain't got shit on me! I could out regenerate anyone of them!
I'm in high spirits because I'm going out and doing something again. About what it is... It's still kinda a secret; but let's just say that I'm testing out Huge Aaron's theory on the key to success: and that is to be completely unprepared. Granted I'm not absolutely unprepared, since I'm paranoid as fuck and could never stand to be completely left out in the open, but this is about as close as it gets.
Either I've got to run and follow through with my plans of the Secret Agenda starting right now... But here's a little something to entertain those of you who feel like commenting something in my journal while I'm busy and gone for the next few days.
What would you do if:
» I committed suicide: no bother answering this seeing as it's never going to happen
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking (again? not likely but go nuts anyways):
» I stole something: no need to answer this seeing as I'm not 5 years old anymore
» I was hospitalized (usual occurance):
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
What do you think about my:
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
Ok. So... Now that's over and done with... Mission Start! Wish me luck on whatever I do people. Kane out.
One might say... You're the cow's worse enemy!
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| 3 days |
[25 Apr 2005|08:32pm] |
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The End of The World - Angela |
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Three more days. That's it. That's all I've got left. It's kinda hard to swallow the fact that I won't be moving around anymore in another 72 hours or less. It's an anxious feeling this is because I know I need to get it over and done with, but at the same time I don't want to go through another few months being an incomp. Inevitable fate, pre-ordained history, unchangable destiny. I know I'm making it sound alot bigger than it really is, but if it's just something I've got to go through with, I might as well have fun adding satire to it.
But this downtime isn't going to last, the world could count on that. I will work harder than humanly possible to surrmount this little hurdle that I know as life. My estimated goal is to recover from this little incident in under six weeks. Hopefully it's not a goal which is too far fetched because it's vital to a certain plan of mine that is to be implemented in around that timeframe. I know even if there's even a 1% of it being possible, I'd be able to pull it off...
Though even if it's not, that's fine, since I'm not afraid to try to make the impossible possible. Afterall, I won't be the leader of Team Bad-Plan if I were scared of overwelming odds. So bring on the inhuman workout regiments, strict scheduals and insane regulatory diets... I will making it out of this whole 'immobile' thing under 18 days or die trying. I will work on re-strengthing my leg at an alarming rate even if it kills me.
Aside form the many setbacks this little surgery will cost me, it will also allow me time for self-imporvement. Afterall, if I can barely move around freely, the more time I'd be spending with myself and the less time I'd be going out. This would give me a lot of idle time to spend with myself just enhancing certain skills of mine which I've been meaning to work on for a while now but just haven't had the time. It has a lot to do with Project UM, an essential part of the Secret Agenda and a portion which I like to have realized by the end of this year.
Aside from that, on the more emotional front of things... It should be described as the calm after the storm right now. No rest for the wicked I guess. Things were really heating up on Wednesday before I went cruising with Emperor Choo the other week, but things eventually boiled down and now... Now that I've finally figured out my feelings completely, I won't hold back any longer. I'm going all out, facing the situation head on and without hesitation; just the way I alway like to do it.
Indecision isn't the thing for one such as me... I'm too rash, to reckless. I want action and I want it now... As proven time and time again like last week, this character trait of mine manages to be both my greatest strength and weakness at the same time. I could never stand waiting around so I rush into things without fully comprehending the big picture. On a calmer day my mind would have made me sit down and calculated the odds and probablity but at the here and now moment, my heart tend not to give a damn.
I am learning balance though and that's good. It's helping me go new places and do things I didn't use to think I could do. And now I'll use this and all my efforts towards my agenda. With this new development and skill I should be more successful than I previously thought I'd be. Like I said two months ago... The '05 Saga is giving me alot of strange twists indeed and despite all that impending doom coming to me soon on Thursday, I'm actually kinda having fun.
A girl asked if she could sketch me when I was on the bus Friday. Supposedly she goes to BCIT and she going to use me for a character concept for a cartoon she's working on... She's even going to name him after me, so if anyone sees a character looks suspisiously like me with the same name running around on a TV cartoon called "Dream Scape", then that would be me. Other than that I've got nothing more to talk about: Kane out.
The early bird gets the worm... But the second mouse gets the cheese.
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| coming from the handle of the three pronged fork |
[31 Mar 2005|11:09pm] |
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Sin City - Genitortures |
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What am I doing anyways? I'm digging myself deeper and deeper. I'm a fucking moron. I take care of two options and three spring back up, their creation of my own accord. It's like I'm in a continious loop of a repetative, counter-productive working routine. Worse thing is, the one path I was so intent on taking and had so much faith in now look just as average as the other two forks in the maze. I seriously don't know what the fuck I'm going to accomplish other than the fact that I be slowly driving myself insane with all these poor decision making skills.
How much is too much? That's one of my questions. Not long since the beginning of the '05 Saga, I've noticed I've developed new skills... Abilities that allow me to do so much more with an aspect of my life which I had shown beyond utter incompetence with in the past. Now that I'm using these capabilities to a degree such that I'm amazing myself, I'm repeatedly causing more and more trouble for myself because I don't seem to know how to narrow down the options. Sure I'm more sucessful in this field but now I find that I'm overloading myself with too many matters... I find that I might be abusing this new found power.
What if I get too drunk on this? What if I'm on a powertrip? What if I am the one the 3rd card was talking about? Am I too close to the edge? Should I stop? I have all these questions floating through my head right now and I have no idea how to answer even one of them... But what it all comes down to is... "What should I do?" I have no clue with I'm doing with everything here and it seems whichever direction I try to head in just seem to be getting me in more trouble. Whatever. Things aways work out in the end because if it doesn't, it tends to mean you're dead and when it gets to that point you don't have much to worry about anyways.
Well at least I successful now and I'm happy about that. It's always better to have you life in a complete mess because you're sucessful instead of having a messed up life because you're unsuccessful. The latter would be me before and the former , me as of right now. So in comparasent I'm quite happy... Just busy and confused... but I guess that's hardly new. I guess my point is, I need to find my focus. I need to know which path I'm going for and I need to decided soon because I can't allow myself to keep digging different tunnels in multiple different directions. It's only going to last so long until everything caves in on me.
I don't know. I was talking to The Feather the other day... And the second the doubt was set in by something she said, I backed away and set up my cold face. It scares me and I know I shouldn't because you know... What are the chances of a developing relationship that is going to last forever at my or her current age huh? Despite that or whatever logic you want to throw into the equation, it just doesn't satisfy my paranoia. I'm worried about wasting my time and effort again. I don't ever want to pour so much of my emotions and love into someone and have it not matter in the end.
It's happened for too often and far too many times. I'm sick of it. I've had it with giving so much to someone and getting nothing back in return. For whatever I built one day to just disintergrate into dust and be gone with the wind like it was never there. I don't think I am willing to to through with the idea of entrusting myself to someone whom does not give me at least some sort of mental security that they won't just leave one day and never come back. What she said probably wasn't even intentional, but sent an alarm straight to my inhibitions and I just couldn't bring myself to commit anymore of myself to her unless some sort of insurance is found again.
The Second is causing trouble again... But that's alright seeing as I'm almost completely recovered from her. I will have my revenge very soon... I guess I really am a stereotypcical Scorpio and she will feel the sting of my poison. The Book suggested that I leave The Second behind. She has no idea that I've already carried out her suggestions far in advance. My plans has in store for my enemy is pain and suffering to satisfy my ruthless vengence. Speaking of which... The Book a very interesting one indeed... I'll look forward to seeing her alot more from now on.
Other than that... My secret agenda shall provide much exciting adventures for the durations of this year. I look forward to it as I'm doing an experiment that could exponentially increase the influence levels of my new found abilities. It shall be interesting and I will see to it that it be successful. This is will be the only report of this month seeing as I've found out the number of LJ posts I curch out is inversely porportional to complexity of my life.
There are Gods, little on.
Some are worshipped.
Some are feared.
some are worshipped out of fear.
Others have been forgotten;
Sealed away for better or worse.
But make no mistake, little one.
To the Gods, this is all a game.
A simple roll of the dice.
But all games must obey rules.
And that is were our order
comes into play.
Many are content to merely
live by the rules. To go
through the entirety of their
lives without understanding
them. Not those such as we.
We have begun to uncover
the systems, the machinery
that works our world. For
centuries we have catalogued
researched and cross-inexed
the rules in order to seek
a grather understanding of
them so that we too may
become as Gods. So that
we my transcend from mere
playthings to the players.
Our understanding is not yet complete.
We haven't enough knowledge to fully
break the rules, but we may...bend them
to our favor from time to time. These
are the first steps little one. The first
steps to ASCENSION.
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| The King In Yellow |
[27 Feb 2005|03:35am] |
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The 3 Karma - Yoshitaka Hirota, Kenji Ito, Yasunori Mitsuda |
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On an hour noon of 4 days past, a doubt began. Subtly it folded, so softly wrapped around the skin that one took comfort... But soon it binded, trapping, suffocating the body until there is movement in its tightened presence no more. A dangerous knowledge leading the reader into further madness as it searches through the unease of the universe to a destinate not meant for its eyes; forbidden places where the line between sanity and evil are crossed. Deeper does the one sink into the eternal damnation as he falls further being caught up in the dark loop of the wicked. Unknown is the spiral staircase downwards which leads. A ghost born in its form, haunting and cursing this place in its entirety, forever unrelenting in its service un-thanked. The box contained nothing now, hope not, for hope remains not within the confines of the container's casing. Another fair tale plagued by paranoid; Pandora no longer lives... However the one of steel wings walks on, with will as his only weapon.
Hrm... Encoded entry here. Hopefully it sounded morbid-like and chilling without looking like it some sort of 'zomg my life sucks omgwtfbbq' post. Because it's not. I've just been reading my HP Lovecraft books again and also considering tracking down a copy of Robert W. Chambers' "The King in Yellow" after the book showed up during the CoC gaming on Thursday night. I'm very intrigued by the unorthodox ideas which that book is likely to present.
I'm trying to fix some of my bad habits... I mean REALLY trying. I never thought I'd have to try something harder than quitting my alcoholism but this really tops it all off. I need to pull some random solution out of my ass again because like usual, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing here. Yeah sure, I have a vague idea of the direction I'm heading so that's better than usual I guess, at least for the dealings I have for this aspect of life.
But yeah I realized now that I think about it, what happened with 'Hououji' was really largely my fault. I need to sort things out with her because she seriously shouldn't be guilt tripping herself over this. A huge load of it was my problem despite the fact that she doesn't seem to see that... Actually now that I just typed that I'm more hesitant about dealing with this seeing as how I rather have things conclude with me leaving a seemingly perfect track record than not so much.
Then after that I'll still have to deal with 'The Wife'... Which should give me quite a bit of challenge in terms of social balancing. But at least in the end it taught me why people have always warned me about hooking up with a friend's sister, even if it is for just one night. Ok I admit it. I suck at following advices and always has to learn things the hard way. Hell at least I'm learning from my mistakes; that's pretty how I've had to learn everything growing up without really anyone to around to teach it to me.
Only after all that will all this complicated stuff in my life that I've implied at during last entry go away. Oi. I've realized recently that even thought I'm blunt to a fault and way too straight-forward when dealing with everything, that I'm the complete opposite when it comes to emotional crap. I'm round-about and procrastinates way too much. I put things off until it's way too late and then in a pathetic attempt to mend things, fuck it all up by trying to squeeze in one last ditch maneuver that should have been pulled off a long time ago.
I don't fucking know. I seriously have no idea what I'm trying to accomplish here, but at here but I'm winging it. Ok that was a lie. I know exactly what I'm wanting to accomplish here but half the shit I do in this department usually ends in ways differing from the results, that I had in mind to amazing extremes. I worried about screwing this up largely due to the fact that my history in this field has shown that I'm a complete fuckup when dealing with these things. Maybe that's why I'm so god-damn paranoid.
I don't want to be paranoid... It just pulls us apart and I hate worrying 'The Feather'... I also want to tell her what's on my mind but I can't, not right now. These next 3 months are going to be killer with me trying to restrain myself from saying anything while the tension grows stronger. Bleh. This is going to be a fun filled year huh? *laughs in mixed scarcasm and anticipation* Oh well at least I have something to look forward to.
On other news I got those two shirts I ordered from Ebay. They look rockin' on me. Can't wait to wear one of them to my debut meeting of the EGL thingie during March. I also went out with Karla today and found these pair of sunglasses that I'm probably going to buy because I just look that badass in them. Oh yeah. I also almost died today... Again!! Lovely. Got to live my danger-filled lifestyle.
PS: Someone tell Jing to fucking come get that bullet I made for her already before I frikin' loose the thing. I almost did that 5 times over the past 3 days.
All this over a fucking tooth?
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| since when? |
[09 Feb 2005|01:07pm] |
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No Where - Yuki Kajiura |
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When did my life become so complicated? Since when? I look back now and I couldn't quite see where the thick trail though the junkyard of life started. The line between when things were simple and complicated was so gradual that I couldn't piece together when exactly it happened. I'm so much more used to things changing suddenly; metaphorically, more in the fashion of getting your heart stopped by getting struck by lightning instead of slowly having your blood supply choked off by an almost invisible increase of colestrol over ther years.
Seriously, my predictions on '05 is coming into realizations already and it's only been like what? 12 days since my year end review? That's not even two fucking weeks. Now that's what I call service. I wish the pizza delivery service worked this well... But I digress. Getting back on topic now: How should I put it? Yeah '05 is already proving to be a very interesting year but that's the equavelent of saying frikin' scrapyard is interesting because of the sheer heaps and ammounts of crap you find out it's piled up with.
How did my surroundings get cluttered with so much more shit than I know what to do with? What happened to just going to work everyday after snowboarding 8 hours then going home and sleeping then maybe going out drinking with my friends every Wednesday night? Now every week is overloaded with different crap that I have to deal with all requiring a delicate balance of different social intellect... and little to no snowboarding because of the situation with my right knee.
The situation is probably nowhere as bad as this entry is making it seem but it's probably me being disgrunted without my snowboarding fixes. But while I'm on both of those topics I might as well do that rant I've been intending to do for a long time too. "Pre-cured micro-glass topsheet with carbon stringer weave"? "CGX base"? "Dual-torsion box contruction"? I'm sorry buddy but I'm not sure I know what the shit that means. It sounds like a bunch of mangled jibberish to me and I've been snowboarding for 9 years now. Seriously...
Everything in the world is getting more complicated and it makes me sad that even snowboarding is kinda turning into commercialisum ever since it became 'cool' to snowboard. I could live with it for the first few years but lately it's becoming kinda unbearable. Taking a look through Transworld Snowboarding's 2005 Buyer's Guide a few months ago made me feel like I was reading some sort of gadget magazine. It's like companies are just trying to throw increasingly huger words and technical jargon at me just so I would buy their products.
I'm never going to buy another Buyer's Guide from Transworld again at this rate... When I look at the top 10 boards you've rated for the year I don't need to know if the carbon fiberglass has been "pre-cured" or if it combines a "monocoque" in its design. Which by the way, what the fuck is that supposed to mean anyways? Just tell me if the board rides good, its strenghts plus forte, then end off with the price tag maybe, leave it at that and everyone leaves happy.
Because after all, no matter how you look at it. A snowboard is nothing really more than a glorified piece of driftwood that you strap on to your feet. If you ride the number of hours I do a year, chances are youre going to ride this board to the ground within 2 years anyways despite whatever 'ubber cool gadget' your board is made of. I've gone through 4 snowboards and is currently on the process of trashing my 5th. I've snapped over half my boards from riding them too hard and I've come to realize that what matters is not how long they last but how happy you were with it while it lasted.
So don't get me wrong, I'm really happy with the technological advances in snowboarding as of late. I think the recent media popularity of the sport has has helped this alot... But I'm just not too keen on dealing with all this hype bullshit when it comes down to it. It annoys the fuck out of me sometimes. Gear-hogs who think just because they ride the latest model, they are a better snowboarder than you also piss me the fuck off.
No ammount of ubber-technology will help your snowboarding if you suck. In the end skill matters the most to the sport not some "rubber-dampened ABS sidewall" because no ammount of that is going to help you stop if you don't know how. Give the most advanced snowboard to some n00b and stick me on my Alyson and I'll still skool them any day of the week, no doubt.
Well that ends my little mini-rant so I'll get back on to the main topic. Things have been complicated lately and sometimes I wish I could just go back to the simple life. But sometimes you've just got to stick with what life throws at you. At least it's interesting with all the suspense and drama floating around these days. I can't say I know exactly what to do about everything but I'm pretty sure I'll figure out something in the end. I always do.
Temjin1080sp: Cy?
Cyblaster: Yes?
Temjin1080sp: I swear, you should belong in a super robot show. >_>
Cyblaster: lol. You like me attack? =3
Temjin1080sp: Yes. :3
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| Kane: Year In Review; 04 Remix |
[28 Jan 2005|11:59pm] |
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Jibun Kakumei - Miyavi |
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Today marks the date of this LJ account's creation 3 years ago. So as tradition I will be devoting this entry as a review of the past year in my life... Where to start? Well, looking back on the last 365 days, it's very easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amounts of events both major and minor, which have occurred over the course of this latest installment of my life. So enough with the useless information: Let's get down to business.
Account type: Free Account
Date created: 2002-01-28 13:37:26
Date updated: 2005-01-21 01:07:33, 1 week ago
Journal entries: 188
Comments: Posted: 445 - Received: 408
Like I said before: Many a things have happened this year, leaving behind a chain of events still in motion right now. My evolution has continued and it has come far beyond my own expectations of myself 3 years ago... I have actually managed to exceeded the parameters of what I thought was the maximum of my capabilities. Without even knowing it I have accomplished more than I thought I could in a decade. In this short year I have surpassing limits that I didn't even know I had and pushed myself to new heights and frontiers.
In this year I have experienced the joy of companionship, the discovery of love, the loss of love and most importantly, the strength to move on from that bittersweet taste. Despite all the heartbreaks, pain and sweat, I have gained much from these lessons and hardship. I have risen above. I have proved myself to be superior to both envirnoment and circumstance. By far, 04 has been the best year of my life after the catastrophe that is 02 and 03. 05 promises to be a even more interesting season and I'm watching as the story unfolds around me.
In this previous Saga of my life, I have done things I couldn't even dream of doing a before. To accomplish that, I had to rebel against my more undesirable natures and actually succeed this time around. Though I'm still no ubbermesch, I have finally grown comfortable with the skin I'm in and learn to accept myself as a person. Gone are the mundane style of my more conservative heritage for I have finally managed to forge myself armor-clothing of meshed steel and spikes to express upon this reality the true song of my being.
I still want to explore. I still want to learn. I still want to grow. I might have evolved into a new person with a newer state of mind but fortunately my drive still remains the same. This improvement in myself has made me more determined than ever to tap further into my potentials and unleash the sheer unstoppable force which is my willpower upon this world. Believe me. This is not over. None of you have seen the last of me just yet. This is just the beginning, for the evolution continues and the revolution lives. This is...
Evolution Revolution
- Bishonen no Hagane
Overall the one word to describe this year would have to be ( Bittersweet. )
Now I leave you all a funny quote just for good luck.
Shogo5000: Since when have I listened to your advice Cy?
Mecha Shonen: Never.
Mecha Shonen: And look where you are now.
TheBiscuitCometh: LOL
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| CODE: ONI - Chapter One (Overhanging Hangover) |
[20 Jan 2005|11:06pm] |
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Ready Steady Go - L'Arc En Ciel |
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I woke up with a start... Well, having a thermal nuclear detonation go off right next to someone tend to have that effect as the explosion splashes hot plasma onto everything within its blast radius; the range which just so happened to include me, myself and I. I held my head in pain as I attempted to move my body, somewhere, anywhere away from possible harmful effects of being incinerated by additional radioactive projectile that were most likely already on their way... It's kinda like pizza delievery; garenteed to be here while it's still hot or your money back.
I must have gone crazy because I caught myself turning the barrage of deadly energy ammunition raining down around my immedate area into a metaphor for the Italian flat-bread service industry in which I had been employed in as a teenager... I blame it on all those nights of beer-bong parties and 'herbal medicine' circles I had experimented with way back in the day. Urgh... I have a headach... I wish I kept some tylenol on me but I vaguely remember taking the last pill the morning before for my hangover.
Speaking of alcohol... Maybe this is just some insane alcohol induced hallucenation... Maybe if I drank more then it would just go away? With my hands shaking I reached within the hidden pocket of my black armored trenchcoat. Even in my current catonic state, my many years of habitual bling drinking allowed me enough expereince to smoothly retrieve that bottle of scotch I always make sure I had stashed there just in case of emergencies and this was as good an emergency as any.
Without any hesitation I took a swing allowing the bitter and disagreeable taste of hard liquor hit the back of my throat like a hammer of liquified posin..... It didn't work. At least not like I planned. Then again none of my hair-brain schemes had ever worked the way they were supposed to. Great. Now I actually had to get off my lazy ass and actually do something productive... Urf... I wish I could just go back to bed or whatever but since I'm already awake I might as well do something about the whole, 'about to be killed' issue while I'm at it.
I opened my eyes just in time to see that final pillar supporting the building which I'm idiotically hiding in getting smoked and then wasted by heavy artillery fire. Aww... FUCK!!!! I hit the ground running, bolting for my life as the area around me rumbled. It's kinda obvious what's happening now: even I know and I failed my engineering course way back in highschool. I fled the scene as the gigantic debris of what used to be the building crumpled around me in a dramatic fashion, loaded with enough impact to do really bad things to me that I really don't want to bother imagining at this point in time.
Success!! Procrastination pays off again as I manage to escape the tidal wave of falling concrete blocks the size of breadboxes without getting maimed or killed. Couching down and skidding to a stop as a spun around to face my unofficial alarm-clock of the day I smirked a cocky grin despite the hangover and morning grouchiness of having my sleep disturbed. It appears my uninvited visitor would be none other than one of them ghouls... Probably a recon-unit sent out by those annoying assholes from the last of the Dread Legion.
"Thanks for the wakeup call but I think I'll need a few more minutes if you don't mind... Now where's that snooze button on you?" I was spewing nonsense out of that trash-hole I call my mouth again... But I have to admit it gets pretty funny the things I say sometimes especially when I'm talking cool omnious shit while this lazy haze of thought pattern is dominating what should be my focus on the battle ahead.
Despite what's good for me I find that this happens alot... I guess I've gotten a bit overconfident after defeating Amon. It might be that I've gotten used to fighting monsters from Hell too much or it might be because I've grown tired of living, either possibility seems equally likely. Whatever. I'm thinking too much. The sooner I finish this guy off the sooner I could go back to sleep or scavage around in the ruins for more booze. I mean, just because I'm not showing it in my speech and demeanor doesn't mean that this hangover isn't killing me.
"What? You don't have one? Pity... Looks like I'm going to have to make an off switch for you." There I go again with the spewing of the one-liners... Oh well, less talk more action... It's almost nightfall and I need my fix soon. With that I dashed foward into the embrace of combat with my zombie like enemy.
This is the 21st century... People die and get replaced...
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| I missed this so much... |
[10 Jan 2005|09:12pm] |
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Never Say Die! - Firebombers |
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Ok. I admit it. Alyson was right about me last year. I'm a good snowboarder. It's kinda stupid that I've only realized this on Saturday but I've always been a bit depreciating of myself. I was taking a good relaxing cruise on Spin-Cycle when it all occurred to me that I was riding on a Double-Black-Diamond run and I was having alot of fun with minimal amounts of effort. I ride around alot backcountry nowadays and the only thing I remotely worry about are avalanches since I've spent enough time in uncontrolled areas to feel comfortable there. I've dropped off enough cliffs on purpose that I know what to do on uncharted, rocky areas. I could handle any terrain you care to throw at me with ease. Sure I'm no pro-snowboarder... But maybe I should at least allow myself the credit of having the 'above average' label.
Over the last weekend I tired a dozen or so 540s and twice that many 360s which included both backside and frontside spins. I stuck all of them. It was a great feeling because last year I was working myself to death trying to re-learn my spins and failing. Now I could nail them all with perfect consistency again in few easy motions. I was being too hard on myself last year, pushing myself to the point of frustration; pressuring myself so hard that I was practicing alot and having no progress. Looking back I understand what I've done wrong. The reason for my lack of progression last year was the fact that I have forgotten what snowboarding was all about and why I loved it in the first place.
To me snowboarding wasn't just about pushing past my physical limits, it's about just going out there and freezing my ass off, going through the most insane shit, sometimes even getting hurt while in search of untracked powder but still managing to have fun in the end because I was cruising around on my board... Because in the end that's all that really matters to me. I got to ride and that's enough to satisfy my passion for the sport. Normal people don't understand why I would wake up with sore muscles but go ride again first thing in the morning... Normal people don't ditch their social life in favor of getting soaked in the freezing snow during that boring 15 minute ride up the chairlift. Normal people don't go sailing off a 30ft cliff with nothing but a piece of wood under your feet to break your fall.
I don't think I'm normal... But I don't suffer from this insanity; I enjoy every moment of it. Thought all this hardship I'm happy because I'm doing what I love. With a few nose manuals, toe-side turns or hell, even when I'm eating so much shit attempting that switched backside 720, every problem with my life, all my emotional stress just seem to melt away. Nothing else matters at that point because all that exists in my little world would be me, my snowboard and whichever snowy mountain I happen to be on at the moment. This is the lifestyle which I choose... And nothing will ever change that. Not injuries, not money, not even friends or family.
This trip to Sunpeaks really did me good despite the fact that my fucked up right knee is now slightly more fucked up. I haven't felt this good since last May when the last snowboarding season ended. Huge thanks to my big sister Von (galaxychild) for telling me about it.
Kane (noun)
1. A skinny asian male with a snowboarding problem.
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| Circumstance |
[13 Dec 2004|03:40am] |
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Reason - Tamaki Nami |
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So once again I'm presented with circumstances like every other seconds of my life. Some are more noticeable and impacting than others. These few are one of those few examples. That was the final part of my research; the only last missing area to that universal equation I was looking for. If only I knew how to manipulate quantum physics on a large scale basis, I won't have this much trouble. Still however, I'm working my way through it with my normal equations.
Oh well. The S-D17 project has hit a bit of a snag. With the recent developments a previously unaccounted for factor has been revealed by Informant K''. It's been brought to my attention that probability percentile of desirable results seem pretty even with the undesirable outcomes; currently meaning unlike normal experiments, circumstance will play a large role within such a diagram. This isn't something I particularly like dealing with... Thoughts of quitting has run through my head more than once, which is much more than usual...
But since I'll have to go through with the process anyways due to commitments I might as well give it a try. Although, the new entry in the runnings is quite a psychological intimidation factor to me... Seeing as I know in most normal situations I would not stand a chance against such an opponent; I might still not right now but it would at least be closer and less humiliating of a defeat for me. Hah. I hate leaving it up to luck. It's so unprofessional.
Looking back now I can't believe I was the same kid that proclaimed that luck was one of my skills. Immaturity that I eventually grew out of after many mistakes that I had to learn from. Luck definitely wasn't one of my skills, it was just it my natural instincts to rig probability much easier and less pain-stakingly than others. I'm learning to do it better now even after I stopped the use of my apparent NT capabilities. I suppose I might even unlock the secrets of the universe one day. *laugh*
That's me... So ambitious in certain areas while craving absolutely no interest in the average, more usual drives of other men. I suppose a lot of me has changed, I use to be a great deal more 'normal'. Glad I grew out of it - the whole 'blending in' thing was really more trouble than it was worth. Sure I was invisible back then but every shinobu has to give up being so 'ninja' at some point in their life. Guess my ANBU days are over. hah.
Could never get out of the habit of writing these cryptic ass posts that people are probably not going to understand and therefore not read through. But what's good is that this journal never needs to be listed 'friends only'... My entries are fail-safes in themselves. I'm procrastinating on what my point here but that's probably because I'm trying to get myself to admit it in the most clear and unguarded way there is. It's not something I could so easily do.
Humans are creatures of convention after all, even I whom hates traditions so much am not exempt this fact. Whatever. Might as well just say it out loud. It's not like anyone I know has the attention span to finish this entry from beginning to end. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am
"Scared to move forward while fearing the consequences of remaining here. A perfect cycle, an ultimate dilemma unable by all but one thing."
Knowing the answer to that... I know I'll be fine one way or another.
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| all the cool kids are doing it |
[08 Dec 2004|03:48am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional |
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::: f i r s t s :::
First REAL best friend: Toby Kong, Grade 4 - Grade 7
First real kiss: Rainbow Wong, Preschool
First break-up: Angel, Grade 10
First self purchased album: Iron Maiden, X Factor, 1995
First funeral: Grandmother's, December 20th 1996
First pets: Beagle my well... Beagle; Ripper my Doberman, 1991
First piercing/tattoo: Right Earlobe, Fall 2001
First true love: Heather Ann Head, 2000
First enemy: Star Ragu, 2002
First big trip: Roadtrip across Canada with Tallpanzer, 2000
First music you remember hearing in your house: "Burn Bitch Burn", KISS, 1986
.::: l a s t s :::
Last cigarette: September 6th with Stephenie, 2004
Last time I drove in a car: three hours ago, coming back from Karla's place
Last kiss: Two Saturdays ago
Last good cry: sometime 16 years ago, 1988
Last library book checked out: "Catspaw", author unknown, 1999
Last movie seen: Ghostbuster a few hours ago
Last beverage drank: Screwdriver, this morning
Last food consumed: Fried Rice, 6 hours ago
Last crush: Luna/Lauren, Spring 2003
Last phone call: to - Karla, 8 hours ago; from - Von, 5 days ago
Last time showered: 12 hours ago
Last shoes worn: Vans, skate shoes, 3 hours ago
Last item bought: Demon Snowboard Stompad, one week ago
Last annoyance: having to pry the garage door open with my bare hands, 7 hours ago
Last time scolded: by mother, winter 2003
::: r e l a t i o n s h i p s :::
01. who are your best friends? Tallpanzer, Moonie, Karla, Von, Keith, Eric
02. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope
03. how do your relationships usually end? Peaceful and well but hurtingly
04. what qualities do you find attractive in the opposite sex? affectionate, shyness (to a degree), smarts
05. which charactersitics are unattractive in the opposite sex? Superiority complex, stupidity, dishonesty
06. who have you dated the longest? Heather Ann Head, Summer 2000 to Summer 2002
:::
01. where is your favorite place to shop? Camouflage, New World Fashion, The Boardroom, Second Wave
02. any tattoos or piercings? None right now. Three tattoos and two piercings planned
03. what color is most of your wardrobe? black, metal and white
04. What designer labels do you wear? none
05. What kind of shampoo do you use? Whichever one's on sale at London Drugs
06. what are you most scared of? Failure
07. do you cry easily? I haven't cried in 14 years so no
08. what are you listening to right now? "Pink Killer" - Dir En Grey
09. where do you want to get married? hugeass, gothic cathedral
10. how many buddies are online right now? two
11. what would you change about yourself? prettier face? taller?
::: f a v o r i t e s :::
01. color: Steel grey or black
02. food: FOOOOD!!!!!!
03. boys' names: Cyril, Kane, Zack, Zev
04. girls' names: Alisa, Heather, Jocelynn, Kirara
05. subjects in school: Mechanics, electronics, PE
06. animals: Wolf, Dog, Cat, Phoenix
07. sports: Snowboard, skateboard, motorcycle racing, sharpshooting
08. perfume: meatloaf flavored?? XD (Inside joke)
09. cologne: see above.
10. day of the week: Friday
11. dessert: I don't really eat dessert
12. smell: food?
13. tv show(s): Monster Garage, Biker Build-off, Family Guy, South Park, Simpsons
::: h a v e y o u e v e r :::
01: ever given anyone a bath? yeah
02. smoked? yeah, quit though
03. bungee jumped? not YET (note on the yet)
04. made yourself throw up? nope
05. skinny dipped? yeah
06: been in love? yeah
07. made yourself cry to get out of trouble? never
08. pictured your crush naked? yeah
09. actually seen your crush or ex naked? I don't kiss and tell
10. cried when someone died? almost...
11. lied? yes
12. fallen for your best friend? yes
13. been rejected? yeah
14. rejected someone? not before giving them a chance
15. used someone? not without giving something back
16. done something you regret? no
::: c u r r e n t :::
clothes: boxer and nothing
make-up: none
smell: Vodka with orange juice
favorite artist: Masami Kurumada
desktop picture: Weltall-ID
cd in player: Korn, Untouchable
dvd in player: Chronicles of Riddick
color of toenails: normal
::: l a s t p e r s o n :::
you touched: me I guess?
you cried over: No one
you hugged: Karla, before I headed home
you imed: Fuu/Dexyor
you kissed: I gave an online kiss to Moonie the other night
you yelled at: Connor and Berdie, Saturday, for fun
you dreamt about: Heather Renee Vansickle, last night
Captain Spaz says:
I think you looked like a ray of Gothic sunshine.
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| I could sing perfectly... But only the chorus... |
[14 Nov 2004|02:52am] |
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mood |
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restless |
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218. Hardcore to the Brain - Yoshitaka Hirota |
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Today was a strange day. It started out pretty normal. Me waking up and talking to Moonie for a bit... I hinted at the secret a bit as I left but it was so obscure that I doubt she'd figure out. Then I went and hung out with Kyo and the others until late late night. It started out awesome but things started looking bleak as it got late into the night. I guess nothing will ever work out as I plan... Ever. Oxymoronic as always.
At Metrotown I tried out girl pantz after Haya was unable to fix into them as he had promised the female population... So they decided I should substitute... And I sufficed quite nicely starting with trying on the 28 waist, 30 length. It was too loose at the waist and too short on my legs. So they got me something smaller and longer and it was a perfect fit and also the most comfortable pair of pantz I have ever wore. It is now confirmed that my size for women's pantz is 26 waist, 32 length.
Shannon and Jing commented that I have nicer legs than most girls... Uzuki and Debby then berated me for making the womenfolk look bad seeing as I have a smaller waist and longer legs than the entire female population there. Those pantz fitted so well I decided to make the purchase and perhaps invade the women's section for comfy pantz in the future. The pantz do indeed rock... They are a perfect fit for me while allowing me a even better range of movement than any guy pantz I've wore.
Maybe I should have been born a woman... Their clothes actually fit me and I actually look good in them. Anyways. We went to Ed's place and played videogames... KOF:MI mini-tourney. I was on Team Tony with Kyo and... well... Tony obviously. We came in second only because I found out the hard way that they have completely screwed K' in this new addition of KOF. Excuses aside I think it was kinda my fault that we didn't end up on top. Bleh. Oh well... At least I found out about Iori's non-screwed-up-ness soon enough to pull us into the silver spot.
Later we played Soul Calibur; me and Rob had a nice match... Then I owned everyone in free-for-all GGX:I with Testament. In Karaoke Revolution I found out that I could sing just about any chorus perfectly but nothing else. That means I'd make an ok backup singer for the 'project' I suppose. We'll talk about that at the meeting. Hopefully I'll save enough money for that drum-kit within this month so I could start practicing some of the songs. Bleh. Need new job desperately.
I tried on Emperor Choo's wig later... It looked badass on me. The styled long hair look seems to work for me. I'll have to grow my hair back out ASAP and try it out. I look freakishly androgynous in the combination of wig and tight pantz... Or so I was told. I think that was a complement. Oh well. I'll let you people decide later. Pictures to come when Tomas gets off his ass and sends them over to me. I'm thinking I'll invest in an identical wig to tie me over while my hair grows. Hopefully Tomas hasn't thrown out that tag that came with his wig.
Aside form the awesome... There was the little thing about yeah... Loosing what you've won. Feeling like a monster even though you've been told other wise. In general just utterly confused and wishing I knew why. Even though I think I already know why. Like I said... Oxymoronic as always. It's like I could never win. Never because I'm always second rated.
I've recently decided my life is some kind of analogy for a game of pinball.
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| bleh politics... |
[02 Nov 2004|08:55pm] |
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What's the difference? - Anti-Flag |
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It's US election day today... I don't even know why people are making such a big deal about something so trivial. Sure go vote, express your opinion and right but who really cares which party wins. The way I see it, Bush is a moron and Kerry sound like an idiot. Got to admit that it's not much of a selection for the American people. I think the world is doomed whether Bush OR Kerry wins, it doesn't really matter.
Then again I'm Canadian... And an Anarchist at that so I guess there's only so much I could understand about politics aside from my extreme seething hate for it and the government which consists of a bunch of lying swines leading the masses with their deceptions. In the ancient days we were lead as people by the strong and capable; nowadays we are herded around like livestock by those who could lie to us the best.
I'm loosing faith in humans day by day and that fact just adds to how I believe that we've de-evolved. Sure the idea of the current free-world would be great if it was actually free. We think it's a democratic world when we are no more free than in the Dark Ages... The only difference is that instead of straight out discrimination, in this day and age we have political farce to keep us caged in our social positions.
I'm all for anarchy. I believe that centralized government needs to be abolished if humans do indeed wish to achieve real freedom: people needs to start minding their own businesses and allowing others to live their lives by their own rules and the way they want. Why do people insist on forcing others to conform to their rules? People should get off their moral high-horse and allow others to decided for themselves.
People will still die and there'll be still unfairness in the world but how is that anything new? That's the nature of humans. We hurt each other just by our mere existences. Why try to stop it. It's the law of the natural... Survival of the fittest, power to the strongest and the most capable, NOT to the most dishonorable. Why would we want to ignore the way of evolution?
Because we're bogged down by so many self-preserving weaklings who are afraid to die. The political sociality these days has breed humans to be selfish, self-centered entities who are willing to throw away their dignity and pride to get ahead... All because of the greed. People think that Bush or America will cause the end of the human race... I don't think it's that specific. I think politics in general will be the doom of us all.
We're all going to die... That's a given.
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| RAWR!!!!!!!!!! GO DRUNKNESS!!!!!!!!!!! |
[16 Oct 2004|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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Ninja Fight Song - South Park |
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I was depressed earlier today. I'm ok now... Because I went out to dinner with my parents then got drunk with my dad. Alcohol is great. It's the solutions to all my problems. It's everything I ever hoped for. RAWR. It rocks. I probably look retarded right now probably because I'm drunk. But that's ok. I'm feeling much better than I have been in days. Super. Like Super Dave. XD
Hotpot dinner night tonight. Losta drinking as per usual. My dad, "Boss" aka "Lion Head"/ my parents friend and I were ingesting alot of alcohol. Being the young stud that I am I beat them at everything but one... It seems like the old times have a trick or two up their sleeves. Rice whine. Wow... That shit packs a punch. Even worst off than that sake shit. Hit me like a ton of bricks. 92% alcochol.
Wow. I've realized that I don't mind being a dumbass when I'm alone because when I'm by myself there's no one to judge me. I could be as stupid as I want and there would most likely beo no concequences. That's probably why I'm the most comfortable being by myself or when around people whom I trust... Which I could count only three. Those people are special because they will see a side of me whom no other will ever realize.
That was trippy. This text is going to have to be a remainder for me later. I'll have to type an essay on the false mental time dilation caused by the effects of drunkeness later as well as talk to my father about important issues involving the togetherness of our family. Fun stuff huh? Sweet. :P Wish me luck on remembering such shit. Oh and for my sphere maxed Mage. W00t. Kicking ass and shit. XP
"Lion head" thinks I should get married... My parents agreeded... Then started talking about their future grand-kids. That was very embrassing since I'll only be turning 20 in two weeks. Very embrassing indeed considering as how I wish I had a girlfriend but don't have one currently... My dad joked and mentioned that it was extremely easy to actualize seeing as it only took one 'accident'. I replyed by saying that "I'm very careful".
If only they knew the stuff I've already done and experiened. Oh well? Any takers? I'll need to humor my mother somehow. Haha. Oi... I wish I was tipsy all the time... Then I would always be happy. -_-; I sound so desperate. Maybe I am. Anyone want to date me? I'm seriously not discrimanate about who. Or I think I won't. I'd like to think that I'm not that shallow...
And I forgot what I was going to type next... hrm. This should become part of my essay. Yeah. Someone mentioned that I sound really well written today. That was weird considering I didn't even spend half a thought on the shit I read to him. Oh well I guess. A compliment's a compliment. Speaking of which... I should really start ignoring more of my so call feelings so it won't interfeer with my chances of grandure.
Great... now I'm feeling down again. Some people don't understand the simplest hints. I hate them all because the other people in this so called exisitance called life has it so much easier than the others. Sometimes it seems like the only way out is the big D. Fucking fucks... Blah. I don't want to talk to my father.
[/... 5 hours later]
This is one interesting entry seeing as it was written as I was drunk, continued as I was drunker and more tired... Then finished up when I'm completely stone sober (now). It'll help me on that essay I'll write later on since I have a chronolocial order of my cycle of alcohol induced irration. This shall be interesting but I'll have to do it later since I'm hungry again. Always gets hungry after I drink. I have no idea why. I'll also do that new maxiumized Spheres Mage later today.
Looks like I'll have a busy Sunday ahead of me... Go figure. People should probably ignore this entry as usual but especially more than usual seeing as it was written while I was completely drunk.
It feels good not to be in pain... Even for a little while.
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| Main systems shut down.......? |
[07 Oct 2004|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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No Reaction - Shulla |
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*sniff sniff* I smell blood... Smells like my own. Strange I don't recall hurting myself too bad physically as of late. Hrm. Analyze later. Anyways. The time frame in between last entry and now passed like a rollercoaster once again. Looking over shoulder it seems like a blur of destructive motion; a whirl of a hurricane crushing a small town in its path like the insignificant being that it is. It's strange... Strange indeed. It's not an unfamiliar feeling, I've been here before, I've felt this before. This is deja-vu only not.
At least I have more music to listen to this time aside from that damnable Ayumi Hamasaki song which still haunts my dreams to this very day. Stupid first love and stupid second love. I believe I've found out the name of the Bane of my existence. My intestines still feel they they are in a huge knot, my left torso is still in great pain... But I'll live while waiting for one cancer or another to consume my being... all while chewing gum at that. How stereotypical is that yo?
Speaking of stereotypes, I'm working on two little projects currently: neither of which I have any idea of the possible outcomes. Considering one of them came out of my coma induced dreams while taking a bath this is liable to get pretty chaotic. I will however give names to these insane, maniacal even, plans of mine. Project: "Asian Invasion" and Project: "Machine Gun Guitar". I'll leave you people to make wild stabs in the dark on what the hell these words even mean.
Cryptic? Yeah but you knew that from day one of reading this data-bank of mine... Or if not, at least you should have figured out by now. Then again I love playing around with words and innuendos when I'm in enemy grounds. Not going to blame anyone on how I got there. I knew the risks. I knew the odds. I walked into it and got my ass kicked damned good. I've learned a long time ago to not express my feelings on such events, not even on here. So forever it shall remain locked in the recesses of my decrepit mind.
Just 20 more days before my 20th birthday. As usual, like every year, happy fucking birthday to me. It will be time spent alone. Remember when you were young, birthdays were scarce rituals, you wait for it every year, you long for it and your entire year building up to that one day? I haven't felt that way for years... Granted I'm sure most of you that could actually comprehend my winding ways of speech could sympathize with that feeling of loss. However I've that intricate shine of my innocence since a good decade and a bit ago.
That's a bit too soon for me... I wish I still felt that way. Nowadays I hate those time of the years. I hate my birthday. I hate New Year's... I hate every holiday that could and no doubt would remind me of the fact that everyday I'm alive is only one step closer to the day I die. I'm not afraid of death - sometimes I even welcome the concept, some moments less so than the other; but mostly I'm pretty favorable of the idea... But it's just depressing to know that I'm living out my worthless existence in complete utter vain.
Yeah, yeah... I know how I've decided in the past how my life is what I make of it but recently I've been consumed by too many 'conincidential' events which tell me other wise. There is obviously something other than me running my life and all I could tell you is that I hate its fucking guts. Call it fate or destiny or whatever: all that matters is that it's a piece of shit and I want its meta-physcial head on a silver platter. Doesn't happen often but one's got to learn went to call it quits...
And I call it quits now. GOD, Chaos or whoever/whatever you prefer to call that asshole if you believe in it. You win. I lose. I give. Fuck it with being ambitious. I'm not Tallpanzer, I don't have infinite Will. Infinite courage yes, but not willpower... Not anymore - this change of events have surely broken me alright. I give up and I'm sick of all those of you that would be appalled at the idea of me doing that. I'm mortal too even though I've forgotten how to cry, I have a right to have a weakness like the rest of you.
........[/RANT]
But then you know I would get back up sooner or later. Right? Keep fighting the system. Sticking it to 'The Man'. Fucking with the authorities. Yez. That's because I'm unlimited, infinite even. I'm unbreakable and invincible; without limits which restrains the finite beings like the rest... I just need my time. My time to recover. Last time it took 2 years. God knows how many years it would take this time around. A month? A year? A decade? It doesn't matter. All it matters in the end is that, rest assured, I will survive this. I'll.
"I would like to thank my ex-girlfriend for giving me so much emotional torture, causing me to lock myself in my room for 37 days with nothing to do but learn the guitar... I would never have mastered it otherwise."
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cyblaster's journal